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Q. Which insects can tell the time?
A. Clockroaches
Q. Where do stupid ants live?
A. Antwerp
Q. What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot?
A. A bird that keeps saying "pretty pollen! pretty pollen!"
Q. What did the termite say when he saw his friend had completely eaten a chair?
A. "Wooden you know it!"
Q. Why did the firefly keep stealing things?
A. He was light-fingered
Q. What goes "snap, crackle, pop"?
A. A firefly with a short circuit
Q. How do fireflies start a race?
A. Ready, steady, glow!
Q. What has six legs, bites and talks in code?
A. A morse-quito
Q. Why are mosquitos annoying?
A. Because they get under your skin
Q. What is a mosquitos favourite sport?
A. Skin diving
Q. What is small and grey, sucks blood and eats cheese?
A. A mouse-quito
Q. Why do we know that insects have amazing brains?
A. Because they always know when you're having a picnic
Q. What do you call a top pop group made up of nits?
A. The lice girls
Q. What do you get if you cross a praying mantis with a termite?
A. A bug that says grace before eating your house
Q. What lies down a hundred feet in the air?
A. A centipede
Q. Why is the letter 't' so important to a stick insect?
A. Without it, it would be a sick insect
Q. What do you call a musical insect?
A. A humbug
Q. What do you call a mosquito on holiday?
A. An itch-hiker
Q. What do you get if you cross Zorro with an insect?
A. The masked-quito
Q. How can you make a moth ball?
A. Hit it with a fly swatter
Q. What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a knight?
A. A bite in shining armour
Q. What's the difference between a maggot and a cockroach?
A. Cockroaches crunch more when you eat them
Q. What has antlers and sucks your blood?
A. A moose-quito
Q. What do insects learn at school?
A. mothematics
Q. What is a myth?
A. A female moth
Q. Which bee is good for your health?
A. Vitamin bee
Q. Where do you take a sick wasp?
A. Waspital
Q. What do you call an 80 year old ant?
A. An antique
Q. What's mad, has six legs and lives on the moon?
A. A lunar-tic
Q. Did you hear about the stupid woodworm?
A. He was found in a brick
Q. What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A. A walkie-talkie
Q. Why wouldn't they let the butterfly into the dance?
A. Because it was a moth ball
Q. What is the biggest moth?
A. A mam-moth
Q. What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A. Wait at a buzz stop
Q. What is yellow and brown and covered in blackberries?
A. A bramble bee
Q. What goes "hum-choo, hum choo"?
A. A bee with a cold
Q. Why do bees hum?
A. Because they've forgotten the words
Q. What kind of bee hums and drops things?
A. A fumble bee
Q. What did the mummy bee say to her naughty son?
A. "just beehive!"
Q. What did the drone bee say to the queen bee?
A. "Swarm in here, is'nt it?"
Q. What do you get if you cross a bee with a door-bell?
A. A hum-dinger
Q. Why do bees have sticky hair?
A. Because they use honey combs
Q. What medicine do you give a sick ant?
A. Antibiotics
Q. Did you here about the man who set up a flea circus?
A. He started it from scratch
Q. What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
A. Ant-ten-eye
Q. What is the biggest ant in the world?
A. The eleph-ant
Q. What is even bigger than that?
A. A gi-ant
Q. How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
A. Ten-ants
Q. What has 50 legs but can't walk?
A. Half a centipede
Q. What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose?
A. I don't know, but i wouldn't like to smell one!
Q. How do you know if a spider is with it?
A. He has a website instead of a web
Q. What does a cat sleep on?
A. A caterpillar
Q. What's green and dangerous?
A. A caterpillar with a hand grenade
Q. What is the definition of a caterpillar?
A. A worm in a fur coat
Q. What's the difference between a flea and a coyote?
A. One prowls on the hairy, the other howls on the prairie
Q. What did one flea say to another after a night out?
A. "shall we walk or take a dog?"
Two mosquitoes were buzzing around when they saw a drunken man.
Q. What do you call a clever dinosaur?
A. A smartosaurus
Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A. Because the chicken wasn’t invented.
Q. What do you call a dinosaur that likes to be noticed?
A. A don’tignorus.
Q. What do you call a high rise dinosaur?
A. A multistoreysaurus.
Q. What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A. A megasnorus.
Q. What do you call a dinosaur that hides in a bedroom?
A. A chestofdrawerus.
Q. What do you call a beach loving dinosaur?
A. A sandyshorus.
Q. What do you call a dinosaur with a head like a mop?
A. A wipethefloorus.
Q. What do you call the page three dinosaur?
A. A corshe’sgorgeous.
Q. What do dinosaurs put on their chips?
A. Tomatosaurus
Q. What do you call a dinosaur covered in leaves?
A. A Treeceratops
Q. Why are dinosaurs great at parties?
A. They always raise the roof
Q. What is the dinosaurs' favourite TV show?
A. The X-tinct files
Q. What do you get if you cross a bouncy castle with a dinosaur?
A. A sore bottom
Q. What do you call a dinosaurs waterproof jacket?
A. A big top
Q. Why did the dinosaur sleep under the oil tank?
A. He wanted to get up oily
Q. How do dinosaurs eat vegetables?
A. One farm at a time
Q. What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a CD Rom?
A. A mega-bite
Q. What do you get when a dinosaur skydives?
A. A large hole
Q. Which dinosaur has four legs and flies?
A. A dead one
Q. What is very heavy, has a long neck and cuts wood?
A. A dino-saw
Q. What's very heavy, has a lond neck and goes "Ka-boom"?
A. Dino-mite
Q. What do you call a dinosaur that steps on everything in it's way?
A. Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
Q. What do you call a dinosaur who wades around in the mud?
A. A brown-toesaurus
Q. What is the scariest dinosaur of them all?
A. A terrordactyl
Q. What's worse than seeing a dinosaurs teeth?
A. Seeing it's tonsils
Q. How do you get down from a dinosaur?
A. You don't, you get down from a duck
Q. What did dinosaurs put on their floors?
A. Rep-tiles
Q. What did the dinosaur eat after having his teeth out?
A. The dentist
Q. How many dinosaurs had one leg?
A. All of them
Q. Where are dinosaurs buried?
A. In the ground
Q. How do dinosaurs kiss?
A. With their lips, silly!
Q. why did the dinosaur raise one leg as it ate?
A. If it raised two it would fall over
Q. What did the Triceratops wear on its legs?
A. Tricerabottoms
Q. What do you do with a green dinosaur?
A. Wait until it ripens
Q. What do you have if you cross a dinosaur with a vampire?
A. A blood shortage
Q. What is the best way to speak to a dinosaur?
A. Long-distance
Q. What do you do with a blue dinosaur?
A. Cheer him up
Q. How do you know if there's a dinosaur in your bath?
A. You can't get the shower curtain closed
Q. What happened to ray when he met the velociraptor?
A. He became an ex-ray
Q. What's big and fierce and is worn around your neck?
A. A tie-rannousarus
Q. What do you get if you cross a dog with a dinosaur?
A. A very nervous postman
Q. What do you call a 65 million-year-old dinosaur?
A. A fossil
Q. What time is it when Godzilla wakes up from his nap?
A. Time to run.
Q. How do you stop an abominable snowman from smelling?
A. Hold his nose.
Q. Why did Frankenstein invite King Kong and Godzilla to his birthday party?
A. He wanted to have tons of fun.
Q. What do you get when King Kong walks through your garden?
A. Squashed.
Q. What should you do when you see a big, hungry, people-eating monster?
A. Hope it doesn’t see you!
Q. Why do some people say Frankenstein is crazy?
A. Because he has a few loose screws!
Q. What do you have when King Kong takes on the Abominable Snowman?
A. Gorilla warfare!
Q. What’s the best way to talk to a monster?
A. Long-distance!
Q. What kind of wolf never needs ironing?
A. A wash and wear wolf!
Q. Why was the werewolf late for his dentist appointment?
A. He spent too much time combing his face!
Q. What’s a mummy’s favourite holiday?
A. Mummy’s day!
Q. Why did the monster have green ears and a red nose?
A. So that he could hide in the rhubarb patch
Q. Why did the fat, hairy, drooling monster
A. He didn't want to spoil his looks
Q. What should you do if a monster runs through your front door?
A. Run through the back door
Q. Which ie the unluckiest monster in the world?
A. The luck less monster
Q. How did the monster cure his sore throat?
A. He spent all day gargoyling
1st Monster: I've just changed my mind
2nd Monster: Does it work any better?
Little Monster: Mum, i've finished. Can i leave the table
Mummy Monster: Yes, i'll save it for your tea
Q. Did you hear about the monster who had twelve
A. He was all fingers and thumbs
Q. Did you hear about the monster who had eight arms?
A. He said they came in handy
Q. What do you call a one-eyed monster who rides a motorbike?
A. Cycle-ops
Q. How did Frankenstein's monster eat his lunch?
A. He bolted it down
Q. What do you call a clever monster?
A. Frank Einstein
Q. What do you get if you cross a tall green
A. The Ink-credible Hulk
Q. What do you get if a hugh hairy monster
A. Flatman and Ribbon
Q. Why did the monster take his nose apart?
A. To see what made it run
Q. What has two heads, three hands, two noses and five feet?
A. A monster with spare parts
Q. What is written on the grave of Frankenstein's monster?
A. Rust in peace
Q. What's a vampires favourite sport?
A. Batminton
Q. What do vampires cross the sea in?
A. Blood vessels
Q. What do vampires have at 11 o'clock every day ?
A. A coffin break
Q. Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
A. He wanted something to get his teeth into
Q. Where do vampires go on holiday?
A. The isle of fright
Q. What happened at the vampires race?
A. They finished neck and neck
Q. What do vampires have for lunch?
A. Fingers and mash
Q. What is the first thing that vampires learn at school?
A. The alphabat
Q. What is a vampires favourite soup?
A. Scream of tomato
Q. What is a vampires favourite breakfast cereal?
A. Ready Neck
Q. Where do vampires keep their savings?
A. In a blood bank
Q. What's a vampires favourite fruit?
A. Necktarines
Q. Where do vampires go fishing?
A. In the blood stream
Q. What do you call a short vampire?
A. A pain in the knees
Q. What's a vampires favourite hobby?
A. In-grave-ing
Q. What airline do vampires travel on?
A. British Scareways
Q. How does a vampire enter his house?
A. Through the bat flap
Q. What sort of group do vampires join?
A. A blood group
Q. Which space movie stars Count Dracula?
A. Tne vampire strikes back
Q. What do you get if you cross a vampire with a computer?
A. Love at first byte
Q. What do Frankenstein and Boyzone have in common?
A. They're both made up of four different people
Q. How would you address a letter to a mummy?
A. Tomb it may concern!
Q. What do popular vampires get?
A. Fang mail
Q. Why are vampires crazy?
A. Because they're often bats
Q. What do you get if you cross a witch with a warewolf?
A. A mad dog that chases aeroplanes
Q. Which are the most intelligent letters of the alphabet?
A. Y's - sounds like wise
Q. What word is always pronounced wrong?
A. Wrong of course!!!
On a plane there was a scientist, a boy scout, a priest, and the pilot.
Q. How can you identify Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
A. He's the one with the sesame seed buns!
Q. If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
A. Pilgrims
There are three guys on a plane, one Russian, one American and one Spanish.
Q. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 7,8,9! (get it seven ate nine)
A mad glazier was examining a broken window. He looked at it for a while
A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk
One said to the other "You bite him - i'm driving"
stop going out in the sunshine?
arms and no legs?
monster with a fountain pen?
steps on Batman and Robin?
The pilot comes on the intercom and says, "We've lost total control of
the plane. There are three parachutes, and I'm taking one." That left them
with two parachutes. The scientist says, "I'm the smartest man. What I have
to give can save the world!" So he takes one and jumps. The priest
says, "Son, I'm old and about to die. Take the parachute." The boy scout
says, "But Father, we can both have one. The world's smartest man just jumped
off the plane with my back pack."
The russian says I hate my country and throws a bomb down at his country.
Then the American says I hate my country and throws a bomb down at his country.
Then the spanish guy says I hate my country and throws a bomb down. Then when
they land the Russian saw someone crying and said "Why are you crying?" and he
said "Because my house blew up". Then the American saw someone crying and
said "Why are you crying?" he said "Because my house blew up".
Then the Spanish guy saw someone laughing and said "Why are you
laughing?" he said "Because my dad farted and the house blew up!"
and then said "It's worse than i thought. It's broken on both sides."
and said "This is a muck-up."
"Don't you mean a stick-up?" asked the girl.
"no," said the robber, "It's a muck-up. I've forgotten my gun."
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